Lately I'm way into self torture, thinking I deserve the pain
It's a punishment, minus the crime, tailored to fit my specific state of mind
With my allergies in full bloom, I conveniently forget to take my Claratin
And pop a Xanax, instead
I'm loopy, and still having a hard time
I tie the laces on my chucks extra tight, so I realize the steps I'm not taking
Sitting still, my feet hurt. So I get in an uncomfortable position and concentrate on them
Each little piggy has a story to tell
I listen, but only so I can pass judgment
I'm closer then I've ever been, and yet I feel so far behind
My wife has stopped asking me, "what's wrong"
In a weird way, I think she finally gets IT
At the end of the night, we silently turn in our own directions
Solitude, compliments of a satin sheet barrier
Blocking the ill will and expected confrontation
Together, we dream that it will all be all right
I miss her, missing me....
I'm missing out
Missing my mark
And preparing for an ending, I had no hand in writing
When I was younger, I was positive I was going to be a lawyer
Attend Pepperdine University
And make it all make sense
I had a best friend who went that route, and now we don't talk
In an effort to call himself Dr, he forgot he used to go by "Mike"
I ask myself, had I been determined enough, what in this life would I have left behind
I get that one can be rich on an empty bank account
What you call "blessed", I refer to as "hard fucking work"
God has nothing to do with me sticking around
I won't hold hands in HIS particular 'ring around the rosie'
Cause the realistic part of me knows
We
All
Fall
Down
I've failed in epic proportions
And now I'm banking on a rebound to put me back in the game
I don't need any overtime, or blind referees
I just need a chance to lob the ball towards the right end of the court
I'm no Kobe, I wanna go by "Vince"
Wear a coat, with extra long tails...
We can both go for a ride
Silver Strand Beach on a rainy day in 95
The white ghost, Island View, and a Pepe's horchata
"if I ruled the world, and everything in it, the sky's the limit, I'll push the Q 45, infinite"
A big fat sigh, and a little tiny letdown...
I won't let myself watch television during the day
No food either
I'm down to 135 lbs, a full DVR, and a loose cannon for a mind
I force feed myself the cold hard facts:
You live in a house you'll never afford
Without Danielle, you ARE your father
Johnny Depp is not going to save the day
If this publisher never calls, how much pride will your ego allow you to assassinate?
Would you like to supersize that value meal for 45 cents more?
I light up another cigarette, and open the slider, as if it will help
Along with boredom and weight loss, I'm up to two packs a day
My daughter asks me to quit, daily
And I dilute the situation with candy offerings and bad one liners
She see right thru me
Smiles, and acts dumber the she really is
If depression is a decoration, I have a house fit for Cribs
What if I wasn't a writer?
I'd have slit my wrists long ago, and bled out
It's in my DNA, to be more then a little E-M-O
Cause on the REALLY bad days, I pick up my computer
And I type till it feels ok to stop
And maybe you read it, and relate
Or maybe you skip it, and laugh...
"There he goes again..."
These have never been for YOU
Every last one of them is selfish
I'm a tattooed twenty something
Who's never been arrested, taken hard drugs, or been in a knock down fist fight
I'm a broken cliche....
But I've written enough to stop.